Journal #2

여러분! 안녕하새요?

This picture was taken yesterday, during the semifinal of the K-pop talent contest 2008 at VivoCity skypark. 

Considering that iVoice (harry, andy, michelle senjaya n me) was only been formed the previous 2weeks, I would think that it's already awesome that we were in the semifinal. Great job everyone, I really appreciate all the long hours of practice that we had almost every single day to prepare.. The fact that we managed to get through the audition means that we're already in the top 25% of the participants. 

And it really does more than just having fun together and forging stronger bonds. It shows that the 3 musketeers of nusLife really know how to have fun and perform beside mugging!!

For me personally, this experience tells me that God is too wise to be mistaken, and too good to be unkind. In retrospect, many things that I've attempted turned out not as I expected them to be. Yes, we may not have got in the final of this contest, but I'm glad that God has given me the chance to partake in it. I have many things that I want to achieve in life, and God has been faithfully guiding me along, showing me which things are for me and which were not. Left to myself, I'll chase everything and get lost in the process, not knowing what I actually want to pursue. In all, I'm glad that I could still acknowledge my being childish to God, but I know I need to grow up.

Today's message was about taking commitment. I must admit I was kinda lulled by the conviction that God is love and God is forever faithful and true, so that I kind of forget that any working relationship begs mutual commitment. And since God has shown his faithfulness to me, I think it's high time for me to be steadfast to him and his will. I don't want to forever be in a marathon where I say I love God on Sabbath and I love myself (I couldn't care less about God and his will) on the rest of the days. It's time to step up and grow up.

Entry #2

Today I woke up at 11 am. The result of watching online TV shows until 3am yesterday. (Yeah, I admit I still need my 7-8 hours of sleep..) 

Had my lunch at the residence food court, prawn and tofu (supposedly) hotplate, but the plate was nowhere near hot and the meal was not charred.. Well, anyways, that was what I find quite value-for-money, as the other stalls sell food at > 3 bucks. 

Back to my room, planned to do my maths tutorial, haven't printed the question paper yet. Oh well, I could do my Korean homework instead. Forget what was it about, well I can ask my friends around letter. So, more facebooking and customizing my blog. 

My Calculus will start in about 15 minutes and I'm still in my room typing this out. Hope I can make it there on time. I'll be having 6-continuous-hour lectures..  and will bunk in the School of Computing to finish up my robot project tonight.. Really wish I have a digital camera so I can take pictures with the robot kit.. >.<

I wish myself a good luck.. 

An Ode to Cashflow

As usual, my funky financial accounting lecturer made the lecture theatre somehow less dreary than the other lectures..

He performed this ode, complete with a dramatic background music and choreographed moves. Here's how i remember it. (Of course it's not accurate)

Although my bottom line is still black
I am lying flat upon my back
The cash flows out and payment is slow
The receivables increase at an unbelievable rate
while the inventory cannot go
The result: unremitting woe
I hear the banker utter
An ominous low mutter
that says "watch cash flow!"

I leave it up to you to have your own interpretation. Now I need to go for my Calculus lecture. 

Dear God..

Just listened to David Tao Zhe's Dear God on my laptop while doing my accounting project.. (Ok larh, I admit I was actually surfing the net for funny videos from kevjumba.. lol.. i never know such a random and funny guy lyk him exists.. but I think perhaps that's because people like harry and ricky never actually post videos of their wacky routines.. c",))

Well, I can understand chinese a little bit, but not as good as I would understand my first language (Indonesian), so I ended up googling for a translation.

And here's what I got (I made some editting to make it more intelligible):

Just finished watching the 6.30 news
Another tragedy
There's a mother holding her son's photo
Longing for his return
Cannot stand watching this 
Turn my head and my tears begin to flow
Is it a punishment or a test?
How many hearts are waiting to be broken?

Love, love, the world has forgotten about love
Nobody believe, nobody believe, love anymore
Justice and peace has become a joke
I really don't want to live in this kind of city

Topics of violence and bloodshed are common news
Becoming entertainment, no reasoning
Escapism for the masses, everybody playing games
But if you don't have the money, nobody cares
In my heart I feel the rage
But I can only calm down and be numb
Using lives as stake for gambling
How long will all these crazes last?

Love, love, love in this world has no meaning
Nobody cares, nobody cares, there is no love
I really want to open my mouth and shout abuse
But it's not my crime, it's not my crime
Please don't blame me

Dear God
Why do You close your eyes and not solve the problems
Why pretend not to see, why pretend not to see
Please tell me
Please tell how I can find and let love return
Because its impossible for me to leave this forsaken city
I cannot leave, oh no
Because this forsaken city, this forsaken city
It's still my home

Just watch the news broadscasting from afar
It's like a neverending nightmare
Please give me some strength to continue living
Dear God, where are You?

I often ask the same question myself. Why does a compassionate God, the one that I believe in would allow sufferings and injustice to prevail.. At least that's what is more evident in the news. (Otherwise, perhaps people are just being too pessimistic)

Well, to begin with.. I still believe that everything happens for a purpose, and that purpose is good. A much quoted bible verse on this is Roman 8:28,

"And all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose".. Well, of course I can't generalize the verse by saying that God's purpose is only good for those who he chose. But I must admit I'm struggling to understand this verse.

What is good? and are God's way right simply because he's the almighty God? It's kind off hard to internalize how sufferings can bring us closer to the purpose of our life. I only know that it hurts. And sometimes the pain is unbearable that it renders any rationalization, well, unthinkable. 

But funnily, Peter doesn't think that the prevalence of suffering and injustice is peculiar at all. 

“Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you.” IPeter4:12. Which is the exact opposite of what I, personally, would naturally think. Well, I guess generally people don't naturally think of sufferings as fair, no matter how rampant they are.

So what does this mean? Why do good, innocent people tend to endure all the hardships and the wicked receive undeserved rewards? Are we subject to God's to the justice of his ways just because he IS the God almighty? Well, I can't really answer with a definite yes or no. Yes, because supposing God is the both the highest authority and reality, there can't be a higher reality by which we can judge his actions. 

Nevertheless, I don't think that when the Bible says that "God is good" or "God always has a good purpose for the creations", it means the same kind of 'goodness' or 'right' that we understand in this reality. As in, if we are to take it so literally, we will need to bear with our limited understanding and perceive his justice as something arbitrary, irrational, pointless but nevertheless right. There are some things that are better left alone.

And I don't always agree when someone says that God is not interested in changing our circumstances, he is more interested in changing us. Well, if you say that to a really hard-pressed pitiful man down the street, you may be able to imagine what kind of reaction he would give to such insensitive remarks.

Yes, one of the purpose of sufferings is to make the best out of what is left, but that is provided the person hasn't been broken down by his/her hardships. I just can't help but feel awful to know that there are people with broken hearts everyday, everywhere. And sometimes they don't feel that life is worth living. Well, I thought that way, too, at some points of my life thus far. But now that I'm past that horrible thoughts, and the depression that entails. It saddens me to realize that not everyone who undergoes sufferings/ hardships/ perceived injustice will get the chance to receive comfort, or encouragement. 

But perhaps goodness is in the implication that, bearing in mind the prevalence of sufferings, no man can claim that one's own strength suffices to sustain him through his course of life. This really humbles me, as it highlights how interdependent people actually are, and that I can't keep my eyes closed to the hardhips of people around me. And I'm betting that perhaps this is justice, i.e. when people realize that they mustn't be selfish! And of course, even though people will eventually (I hope) realize how weak we are without each other, there's still that gap that must be filled to jell everything together. And this may just be God's divine intervention in action.

'But as it is written, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined the things that God has prepared for those who love him." ' (1Cor 2:9) Well, I guess just as it is impossible, as humans, to depict how wonderful heaven could be and how anyone could possibly deserve the blessing, it is equally impossible to imagine how awful hell is and who deserves eternal punishment.

I only know that sufferings and injustice saddens, and even infuriates me. But with this I conclude, that sufferings and injustice don't even sufficiently explain anything about God's might nor goodness.

Just like George Mueller said "but as a child of God, and as a servant of the LordJesos, I bow, I am satisfied with the will of my Heavenly Father, I seek by perfect submission to His holy will to glorify Him, I kiss continually the hand that has thus afflicted me". Well, if I need to trust my life to someone's hand, it wouldn't be just anyone. It can't be me either, since I'm just evidently unreliable at times. It must be someone who is of the highest authority and the highest reality that no one can pass any blame. I think it's just natural.

Lessons Learnt #1

@10am, ACC1002X - Financial Accounting

I'm not joking, I learn the followings during lecture..

1) To keep yourself alert, make sure your stomach consists one-third meal, one-third water, and one-third nothing.

2) The Accountant's Love Language:

I will credit my love, if you debit your love.

I'll record our romance in a journal,

then post it to the ledger of my heart.

I'll keep our love in an account,

based on double-entry,

to keep track whether the balance is debit or credit of my love for you

The trial balance shows that we add to each other

The adjusting entries keep us together

Closing entry is when we agree to get married

In a period of profit and loss, we should check our entries

Oh, so many babies..

The point is: Support Sg Government by procreating more.. haiz.. 

@12am, CS1105 - Computing and Society

--> It's ironical how we're often concerned about our privacy being intruded by our next of kins or friends, but easily give up privacy when we're online

@2pm, LAK120 - Korean 1

--> Made a script for the final project, that was fun. The first effective discussion I've ever had so far. Completed the full 15-minute skit script in English during the tutorial itself. Great work, Peiqi, XiaoYu and Ming2!! Now what's left is translating it to Korean.. Hahaha!

@4pm, CS1101S - Programming Methodology

--> It's still quite obscure. And I haven't started doing the problem set 4 which is due yesterday.. Oh my. Stuck at understanding the concept. Well, guess I need to speed up a little bit. Next problem set will be a robot project.. *doki2* Woo yeah! Guess it'll require a lot of logic.. Hope I can cope.

Actually there were more things that I wanted to write. but due to my SMR, I can't remember everything. Hope this suffices for now.

Why ain't I get smarter?

So I woke up at 5.45 am today. Having learnt from the midterm mistake, I decided to reorganize my lifestyle, as Andy suggested long, long time ago.

Had my breakfast, showered, said a little prayer, and there i was, sitting in my study desk, only to find that I couldn't comprehend - what more solve - a major portion of my maths tutorial problems. This is surely a rocky time for me. Not to mention that my midterm Maths was the worst prepared paper ever. And to consider that I'm a Maths major. Argh.

Been trying to solve the questions for almost 3 hours now, only halfway there. If I don't speed up, there's no way to catch up with other things that I'm left behind as well.

Midterm Break

Literally.

All those hardcore bucking up session has worn me out, to the point of breaking up.  

Having 5 midtests plus 1 concert in 4 days is simply not an easy feat. But i'm glad that the concert ran smoothly yesterday.

Here's a shoot that we (the NUSPE) took after the concert. I'm still waiting more photos from TzeNing, my 6-hands-cum-camwhore-partner.. Hahaha, that sounded downright wrong.

Well, back to the topic of midterm break (read: breaking/cracking up due to midterm tests), I really want to thank all my friends who are always there for me.

Thank you Adi (Leo), for accompanying me jogging at the wee hours around NUS. We took the A2 route, from PGP to National University Hospital, and then back using the A1 route. Really appreciate you being a great listener while I was purging out my bitterness.

Thanks to Aulia for being the recipient of my random smses and posts, and for replying with equally random messages. Really love your quirks, hahaha.

And Ping, although you may think that I was the one walking you back to PGP after the dance session. It was actually me who needs to thank you for being there when I need most. Well, I just need a break after many nights of burning midnight oil, and the supper as well as the late-night exercise were very helpful to release stress. Honest. 

My true-blue brother Andy, for being the strong pillar and the epitome of self-discipline and selflessness. Thanks for lending your bed for me to bunk in. And for the alarm clock, too!!

Wilson, the time is tough for us now, but I believe that we are where we belong. So, I hope that you won't give up as well.

WenXin and Tzening, thanks for being great partners. Really looking forward to play more interesting pieces with you guys. And to take more photos of course, hahaha. 

To NUSPE people, you are a fun lot. Anirban, I'm really impressed with your careful thought of everything. And my, aren't you all very talented. 

I just realised that Pat and Erlin are very funny, even when they're not joking, lol. And I want to thank the whole R2 Reading Room residents as well as NUSMUG Society for backing me up with inspirational talks and quotes. (well, mainly they were TCS, talking-cock-session, but I guess they were fine.. hahaha)

Special mention to my NUSMUG VP, Harry Akbar Sutiono, for being very versatile and prompt partner in living up the mugger spirit. You rock!

Lastly and most importantly, thanks Chelz for the encouraging smses. Although we haven't meet in person since the matriculation fair, it's heartening to see that you're still the same old caring friend.

Well, I may fail the Calculus test. Heck, I may even not be able to sit for Genes and Society retest (worth 30% of final marks). But when I count my blessings, I count you all twice, and the matter of CAP seems petty.